When a Nervous System Cycle Finishes Itself Four Days Later
Last night something strange happened, and I wanted to write it down while it’s still fresh. It seemed to be a delayed nervous system response that started a few days ago, during a trip that took an emotional and physical toll on me.
I had a rough visit with someone close to me. It didn’t go the way I’d hoped, and it left me feeling completely destabilized. I’m realizing I’ve reached a point with my nervous system dysregulation where even small stressors can throw me off balance. It’s like there’s no buffer anymore. My body now reacts instantly to emotional stress.
The Flight: Suppressing in Survival Mode
When I was heading to the airport to start getting back home, I started to unravel. For a period of time, the busyness of the airport distracted me enough to keep it together. But once I was seated on the plane, I started gagging, one of my body’s most involuntary and embarrassing responses. We hadn’t even taken off yet, so I was stuck sitting there.
I didn’t actually feel like I was going to throw up, but I desperately wanted privacy. Gagging, for me, sometimes comes with strange sounds and body sensations, and I didn’t want to alarm anyone. I tried to be as discreet as possible. Unfortunately, I was essentially suppressing, rather than expressing.
When I got home, I canceled plans to visit a friend and stayed in. I felt it best to take it easy and let my body do it’s thing, but I didn’t feel upset anymore. It was like I was emotionally flat. Still, I remembered what I had suppressed while on the plane and I’ve gone through this long enough now to know that my body’s not going to let that one slide.
So, at that point, it was a matter of when. When was my body going to decide to re-visit that mess and clear it?
When Nothing Feels Wrong, But…Wait For It…
The first day back from my trip, I spent a lot of time researching and making phone calls. The trip I took was so dysregulating that I realized it was finally time to explore other forms of support. I found a more intensive mental health program covered by my insurance, and it felt like the right direction to take. There was a sense of relief that I felt in taking the steps toward this direction.
Then, four days after returning, I was tired.
It was an all-day in bed kind of day. I wasn’t exactly sad, just completely unmotivated and disconnected. It was a kind of functional freeze state, something I’ve been learning more about lately. I noticed that my legs began to ache and it was beginning to remind me of that recent trip.
By evening, I felt more uneasy. I decided to get up and just move. Nothing major, just small micro-movements to get some energy flowing. Then, I started yawning nonstop for five full minutes. My eyes were watering like crazy. It almost felt like I was crying. Right then, I knew. I knew that I was finally finishing out that stress cycle that had gotten frozen in place four days earlier on the airplane.
Completing the Cycle
I sat down and started doing some Havening. As soon as I began, the gagging returned. It came on strong. I kept Havening through it, and the yawns kept coming. One yawn was long and deep that my jaw actually cracked on the right side with a loud pop. Perhaps it was a sign of release? I can only hope.
Eventually the gagging did cause me to throw up just a little and what came out was mostly mucus. Thick, unexpected, and strange. Afterward, my nose was running like a faucet. My system felt completely flooded. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me, and I’ve long had a complicated relationship with mucus. I’ve had multiple episodes over the years where I’ve thrown up pure mucus. I’ve read that some people with nervous system dysregulation can have histamine issues. It could be something I’m eating or a separate digestive issue. It’s not something I’m putting a lot of focus on at this time since everything is kind of in a dysregulated state.
I didn’t sleep that night. But this time it wasn’t the usual freeze-state insomnia I often experience. It felt different, kind of like my system was still draining out stress hormones and cortisol. My body felt wired but not stuck. And interestingly, even though I didn’t sleep much, I woke up the next day feeling a lot better. I was able to be productive. I even worked on this blog post.
What’s Different Now
I have been dysregulated my whole life, but things got really out of control in the beginning of 2020. Now that it’s been about five years of this, I’m experiencing things a lot differently now.
This particular experience reminded me that healing isn’t always immediate or linear. Sometimes the body needs space and time to process what couldn’t be dealt with in the moment. Completing this stress cycle didn’t resolve everything, but it has given me more understanding.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on the time in 2020 when it all got so bad, when my symptoms were constant and overwhelming. I wonder now if, back then, my system was carrying too many unprocessed experiences, situations similar to what is described here, that never had the chance to move through properly. Instead of unfolding gradually, everything collided at once, leaving my body no room to catch its breath.
What feels different now is that I can actually recognize what’s happening as it unfolds. I used to be completely overwhelmed without any real sense of where they were coming from or why they were happening. I was just surviving them. But now, I can see the patterns. I understand more about my nervous system and how it responds to stress AND even to relaxation, even when those responses are delayed or confusing. That doesn’t make it easy, but it does make it less terrifying.
