I Think I That I Might be Thawing – Part 2: Consciously in the Functional Freeze State
It’s been a couple of days since I wrote part 1. Reflecting on these past days, I’ve realized that nervous system thawing is still underway, at least, I am hoping anyway.
I’m here again. Stuck. In this bed, sitting and being “busy” on my laptop. Laying here, in this chronic “functioning” freeze (big air quotes around the “functioning”).
This whole thing with my narcissist ex-boyfriend is familiar to me. A couple of days ago I was more expressive, explosive, and emotional. There was more movement. But now, I am swinging to the other extreme. I am frozen, I am blank. This is familiar.
This mirrors the 2018 fiasco. After having caught my ex with someone else, I was very swift, and I acted very quickly. There was a lot of movement and much got done in a very short amount of time.
But once everything was over, then I had to sit in the other extreme. The aftermath. The new reality. I was starting over, AGAIN. Like I always do.
Right now, I am in that place. The place where my body is still, my brain is cycling, and everything else just feels muted. I’ve written about it before. But this time, with having awareness of possible nervous system thawing, it seems different…I don’t know if this is good, I don’t think that it is necessarily bad. But I owe it to myself to name it, be with it, and honor where I am (even if it’s hard).
This is Where I Am At Right Now
In a few hours, I’ll be sending a final email to my narcissistic ex-boyfriend. He seems to think that my understanding tone in the original departure message was some kind of invitation to reconnect. It wasn’t. I’m sending an ABRIDGED e-mail from the only email address he knows about. After I send it, I will delete the email address immediately afterward. There is this part of me that feels it important that he understand that I, in no way ever, intend on having anything to do with him ever again.
He also seems to think that I deserve to have to settle for someone that never found me physically attractive. Wow. That sounds like so much fun, doesn’t it? What in the world has been going on with me that I have to write a sentence like that. No one should ever have to write a sentence like that. But I just wrote that sentence and it is something that happened to me.
I suppose silence, no response to his stupid e-mail, might be more mature. But I decided that it was a good thing for my nervous system while I’m still thawing, to stop trying to protect him and his feelings. When we were still together, I tried to ask. I tried to confront this issue with him, face to face. There were things going on, gut feelings I was trying to express. But he always had weird excuses. He gaslit. He redirected. And I let myself believe those lies, because I really wanted to be wrong. I shouldn’t have doubted myself.
I am naming this state right now; I’m naming this struggle. This is sad. I am having a hard time. Unfortunately, I do not have anyone that I can reach out to right now. But I am here and naming it, I am doing something about it. I am writing about it; I am putting it some place other than letting it be added to all the other frozen things that never got the chance to process.
I’ve written several different versions of this email I have yet to send. Most of them are quite explosive. After having written as many mean things as I could think of, I’m sad.
The Deeper Wound
This recent resurgence of the ex from hell has brought me to a deeper core wound.
This experience has helped for me to relieve that I have this belief that I have to work hard for love. I’ve always felt like I had to try so hard to earn affection. And still, even then, it’s usually not enough. This particular situation really shows for me the consequences of having very low self-esteem and low self-worth. It shouldn’t really be a surprise to me that this happened.
I’m mad because he came back around into my life years later and began love-bombing me for three months straight. And suddenly, in the middle of a conversation one night, he said that he was never physically attracted to me and that he struggled for a long time wanting to tell me that, and that he believed we could work on that. He even started crying.
How? You may wonder? How could we work on that? Great question, I don’t know. I was so horrified and stunned by what I heard that I immediately hung up the phone. It is a moment I will never forget for the rest of my life. I think the only thing I said was “I don’t think that I can talk to you for a really long time.” And the other end was dead silent as I tried to press the “end” button.
I still wonder, how does anyone heal from something like this? How do you make peace with being seen, and met with disgust?
Maybe This Is Thawing
I suppose this time is different because I’m fully conscious of what I’m doing. I’m lying here in bed, not doing anything except thinking about all of this, and thinking about it a lot. I am not hiding it, I am not deny it. While doing this, I am wondering; have I sat in this same place a hundred thousand times before? Just with a different person in mind? A different situation in mind?
What’s different now is that I’m not pretending. I’m not distracting myself with YouTube, articles, or any of the usual noise. I’m just here, sitting with it, and being honest. This is where I am at.
I have this blog. At least I have this space to say what’s real. To say that I’m in pain. That I feel humiliated, used, and ashamed. I can say what is real.
And no, I don’t feel hopeful, not today. But maybe this moment isn’t just more freeze. Maybe this is more of the thaw taking place. I’m just swinging to the other side of it now. Now, it’s about stillness. Maybe naming it, writing it, letting it be this real. I’ve never dealt with my pain quite like this before.
I want things to change.
I need things to change.
And I’m so unbelievably tired of carrying all of this alone.
But today.
Today, at least, I gave it a voice.
And that counts.
Video Link: Functional Freeze Explained (my most popular re-release series) #healingtrauma #polyvagaltheory
