I Think That I Might Be Thawing – Part 3: Feeling Peace for the First Time
It’s the third installment that nobody wanted and nobody asked for. More stuff is happening. If you need more of an understanding of what thawing means you can check out part one for more information.
The Aftermath Continues
At the start of 2025, I had a hard ending with an ex, which I talk about in parts 1 and 2. The aftermath pulled me into a deep depression. I was still working at the time, but I was struggling; emotionally, physically, and mentally. On top of that, I had to process what my ex chose to reveal eight years after our relationship ended (and just three months after he had been love bombing me and trying to rekindle things).
Well…I sent my email, like I said I would. And I didn’t hold back. At all. I decided it was okay, maybe even necessary, to just go off. If you knew how much I put into that relationship… how far I went to be there for him during the worst time in his life, you might actually be glad I didn’t hold back.
It was a very mean email. It was far from peaceful, however, I felt a strange wave of peacefulness. That’s never happened before. I have had multiple breakups. I never really take them very well. This time though, it felt different. It was kind of a shock.
When the Body Starts Letting Go (And It Hurts Like Hell)
I have done a lot of crying and a lot of emotional processing since the beginning of March. It got really bad at the end of April. I was having a hard time deciphering if I was actually emotionally processing my feelings or if I was just completely flooded and overwhelming my nervous system. My legs hurt, my back hurt, my arms hurt, it was like I walked 100 miles and lifted a truck over my head and then threw it from Florida to Russia.
What I’ve realized is that I was emotionally processing. Maybe not completely, but enough to move something. Some of those long-held emotions finally started to shift, to come up and move through me. And now, I’m learning that the pain I’ve been feeling throughout my body has also been part of that process, part of the thawing. I’m beginning to understand the holding patterns my body has locked in over the years and I’m even able to RELEASE the tension. They’re finally beginning to let go.
The fact that I am at peace with this and finally speaking my pain and truth to my ex is really showing me that something is finally changing. Finally.
I may be over him, but I’m still not over what happened. Right now, I can’t imagine ever wanting to connect with another human being in that way again. To be told as a woman, that your body isn’t attractive; I mean, yeah. I am finding myself constantly wearing things to hide my body and I honestly, I don’t leave the house hardly at all. It’s like I can feel the wave of judgmental thoughts streaming out of the minds of the masses. Whether those thoughts are real or not, it doesn’t matter. I believe they are.
Seeing Things More Clearly
What’s becoming clearer is that one of the biggest challenges I’ve carried, not just during the worst parts of my chronic illness, but throughout my entire life, is the desperate need to be witnessed, understood, held, and supported. It’s actually (annoyingly) exactly what I gave my ex back in 2018. I’m still waiting for my time to be held and witnessed.
That need has always been there, quietly running underneath everything. And instead of acknowledging it, I’ve spent my life focusing on everyone else. Worrying about their needs. Managing their emotions. Distracting myself from the one person who’s needed the most care all along: me.
But I am experiencing shifts, and I don’t feel as “full” or as overwhelmed anymore. I can feel my body start to find its ability to get calm and I am able to move through things more easily. There still is much to do, but this is the best it’s been, like maybe, ever.
Once I move, I plan on figuring out more therapy routes. For now, I have to wait. I need to get out of the city I currently am living in. Once I am in my new city, a place that is better suited for me, I can start reaching out for real help. Most likely somatic. I move officially July 17th.
Trying To Focus on This Feeling of Peace
None of this is easy. It’s odd having a feeling of “peace” after sending a rather not so peaceful email. It’s not like I’m proud of myself for sending angry emails to exes. It’s not like I want to be 42 years old, writing a blog about a very sad and very complicated life.
But I guess… I can give myself a small pat on the back for having the courage to go deep, for getting serious about trying to find some kind of relief, some kind of understanding. And honestly? I do believe I’ve found at least a little bit of both.
I can only hope that from here, I keep moving forward. That I start to feel like I can really move on, not just from him, but from all of it. That maybe I can make some meaning out of this mess. And maybe… just maybe, I can help some goddamn people who really need it. I can’t do that right now because my boundaries are bad, and my empathy is too warped. There is much that I have to learn.
I am just going to try and put my focus on this peaceful feeling. It’s new. I know not all days will be like this. There will be other days were I will be pulled back into the sadness, the humiliation of it all.
But Peace is good.
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