Ocular System Unwinding: A Personal Reflection
This is another personal story I wanted to share following the completion of my blog series on nervous system unwinding across various systems of the body In this entry, I’m focusing specifically on the ocular system (eyes) through the lens of my own experience.
Early Clues I Didn’t Understand
When I was little, I fell off a bunk bed while I was asleep and landed on my face. I don’t remember it, but I’m almost certain I hit the left side of my face. My left eye has always had slightly worse vision, and it has a mild astigmatism. The fall could have contributed to those subtle vision differences. I needed glasses (that I never wore) starting in middle school and that prescription has generally remained the same (-1.25/-1.50). In my 30s, the doctor said that it had even slightly improved.
I had one thing though, that would happen all of the time once I became an adult. My eyes, and especially the left one, would water all of the time. It would happen on hikes, and really any time that I was outside. I always blamed the elements or thought it might be allergies. But looking back and doing this deep dive with ChatGPT, I now wonder if it may have been early signs of having freeze response issues. ChatGPT did say in its response to my question regarding the ocular system that excessive tearing as a potential sign of nervous system unwinding.
Vision Shifts
Something shifted in 2016 when I was attending massage school. That period, as you might read in other entries, was when my body began to “unthaw”. I didn’t see it that way. I was more scared than anything else, because I was feeling things I had never felt before in that time….and this situation with my eyes was really quite interesting. I never ever get to tell this story so I’m excited to share it now.
I remember taking a walk with friends one night. I’ve always been paranoid about walking because I’ve sprained my left ankle badly three times. In fact, the last two injuries were only months apart when I was 18. Since then, I developed a habit of always looking down while walking, terrified of spraining it again.
When I was walking that night, I suddenly felt this expansive shift in my vision. It was like my peripheral sight had opened up from all angles; left, right, even downward. I could see more of the ground without having to look directly down. It felt safer, less stressful. It was honestly a lot for my mind to comprehend at the time and I do remember trying to express this to my friend as we were walking but as per usual with all things related to my weird body stuff, it kind of fell on deaf ears which is okay, I understood.
2020
In 2020, my nervous system was in extreme overdrive. I was sleeping maybe one to three hours a night, max. My body was screaming for rest, but rest was not happening. There were a million things happening within my body but my eyes did something they’d never done before. I remember waking up and opening my eyes but having a very hard time closing them. They were so extremely dry. That went on for over 3 months, and then
I’d never experienced dry eyes in my life. I wasn’t in a new environment, I hadn’t introduced any allergens. ?I guess? It was just my nervous system, affecting varies parts of my being. My eyes wouldn’t blink properly. I couldn’t open them comfortably. I tried everything to create moisture. I also started to feel this prickly, almost nerve-like pain in them. It was strange, scary, and impossible to explain.
Maybe it a delayed healing from years of staring at screens, or maybe from the childhood fall. Maybe it was simply the nerves in my eyes joining the wider chorus of dysregulation happening throughout my body. It felt like my entire system was overstimulated, and of all the places…my eyes.
The Things I Never Talked About
In more recent times, I’ve noticed increased eye gunk when I wake up. It’s probably not a big deal and it’s not unusual. But again, for me, it’s part of a wider pattern of constant change and unpredictability in my body. A pattern I am seeing (possibly) as part of nervous system unwinding. I will say though, that I haven’t experienced that strange dry eye period since 2020, which I’m glad about that.
For a long time, I didn’t talk about any of this. Symptoms like these are easy to dismiss. They don’t seem dramatic enough to “count,” or I feared they’d be brushed off as exaggeration or anxiety. So I kept it in. I picked my battles about what I wanted to share. It’s nice to have this platform to be able to tell my story regarding how weird, scary, and lonely this whole illness journey has been for me. And breaking things down in these systems has helped provide for me more insight.
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